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  • Tina MacNaughton

Poems about the menopause ... one of my specialities

That Time

I am a woman at that time of life

Of high-rise anxiety, wild emotions and strife

My Nan used to call it rather solemnly “The Change”

She seemed very hot and a little ashamed.

Up one minute, then down, then up again the next

Feeling easily riled, prone to outbursts and vexed

I used to remember and feel quite stable

Plus oodles more confident, smart and more able!

I veer very quickly from cold and then hot

And suddenly break out in an eruption of spots

It’s all quite destabilising and rather disconcerting

Plus my joints are all aching, my boobs sore and hurting!

I wake after yet another long sleepless sleep

Feeling that I could lie here and silently weep

Shall I get up or remain here sadly in bed?

But this could last fifteen years, or so my Nan said!

So I get up and go and have yet another pee

(Really should not have drunk that second cuppa tea…)

Lively and irritable, not me, that’s my bladder

It’s weak, leaky and active and making me madder!

The hair growth, well, it’s becoming a tedious chore

Plucking, waxing, exfoliation, it’s all such a bore

I seriously considered growing a cute little beard

“Please don’t,” said my husband. “That would be too weird.”

Once my eyes went all red and developed small styes

I rubbed, made them worse, which did not seem wise.

So I called up Specsavers and asked for a slot

Same day cancellation, I was there in a shot.

The eye guy looked closely with a great deal of care

I tried not to blink, but held tightly my stare

“You’re now menopausal and eyes dry out with age,

It’s a common story,” he said, “with no cure, I’m afraid.”

“Yes, I’m dry, withered and old, very prone to rage

Quite bored with this story – can we please turn the page?”

He laughed, I signed forms, said thank you and went

Oil drops were expensive, but proved money well spent!

Oh, I do love a simple and practical solution

Although it’s one more task for my twice daily ablutions.

Buy hey, I see an end in view, it’s somewhere in sight

Plus, I’ve never been one to give in and not fight.

Kind of looking forward to feeling cool, serene and quite wise

And preferably not increasing by another dress size.

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